Prayer

Two things you told me,
that you are strong
and you love me.
God knows what I need.

My soul clings to you. My lips sing for you.
Strengthen me, that I may not cause harm.

Baptize my mind.
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life.

Lead me not into temptation,
but deliver me from evil,
for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
forever.

I like how the day sounds

It's been a long haul since my last post. On Wednesday, my mom had to drive up here and talk me out of quitting school entirely. Remember how I lost two classes when the quad changed? Yeah, didn't make a bit of difference for my stress levels, reason being that I put all the semester classes on the back burner to finish the work for the quad classes, and now I'm playing hardcore catchup. Things that shouldn't have been stressful, like taking photos, were. I was overwhelmed and shutting down. Didn't want to make videos. Didn't want to make prints. Didn't want to read. Didn't want God. Didn't want to get up in the morning because I knew everything was going to suck. Eating made me feel better and so I put on weight. Sleeping made me feel best because everything went away when I was unconscious. I couldn't help thinking, if good, beautiful things like photographs and God are twisted this way out in the real world, then I'm never going to make it... and there's really no point in trying. I'd rather give it up while it's still my choice. So I wanted to leave school.

Long story short, I talked to my mom and she got me to develop the six rolls of film I was putting off and took me out for food and tried to convince me not to hold myself to such high standards, which is what she always does when I get like this (but it's never been this bad before). The thing about me is, I want to do my best at everything I try, and that stresses me out but I can't help it. Anything less would be a failure. I do not settle. I don't know how. But just being with her made me feel better. She said if it's going to do this to me then I'm not allowed to go to school next year, but in the meantime we formulated a vague game plan to make it through this year and prepare for next as if it was going to happen, just in case I stayed.

Then on Friday, I went to talk to Brian Glenney about it all. It's funny that I'd rather talk to him than my own advisor. I think we're kindred spirits in a way, and I was really encouraged by our conversation. He started by telling me he wouldn't try and convince me to stay and that he didn't want to give me a parent's response, since naturally I'd already heard that. What he said was that I need to take time for writing every day. Doing that will renew me and give me the energy and creativity to handle the crap I have to deal with in classes, and it was clear to him that not doing it was the reason I fell into despair. He said not to write for the professor but for publication, for a bigger audience, because that's the level I'm at. We talked about the rest of my college career, and he said that I'm a good enough student not to need school, but I'm a good enough student that I should be in school. Finishing my degree will get me from here to the next place faster, and sticking it out will prepare me to face the inevitable challenges I'll face after school, even if the process is merely jumping through hoops (as he put it). So the plan is that I'll take 12-14 credits a semester instead of the traditional 16, leaving me time and energy to write Before the Empty Moon (which he liked the sound of =D).

Over the weekend, I worked out my schedule with my mom and it looks like I will have no problem completing core requirements and requirements for the comm arts major in time to graduate in spring 2011 like I'm supposed to, even at 12 credits a semester. I decided that I would not take on the media track in addition to the writing track. It's only three more classes.... but it's three more classes. You know? I just need to get done and get out. Like Brian and I talked about, what I need out of college as a writer is the college experience, and with the way I've been this semester, I'm not getting it.

So needless to say, things were looking brighter. It certainly helped that I didn't have ANY assignments hanging over my head this weekend (I mean, I had some catch-up reading and 2 rolls of film to shoot, but that could wait.) I worked on Before the Empty Moon a lot this weekend and finished reading a book I borrowed from my professor in 2008 (The Courage to Write by Ralph Keyes; I highly recommend it if you're a writer). And today, I've got more energy and hope than I can remember having in a long time. You know what? Ima start that writers society. I saw Evan at Lane this morning and we're going to have our first meeting sometime on Wednesday. I want to call it The Kettle Society because of something I read in that book I just finished. Keyes was talking about writers who aren't productive unless they have deadlines, and when Evan and I first started talking about the society, we mostly wanted to start it for the accountability: so that we would have a reason to make writing a priority. No one wants to show up at a writers group without any writing to share. Keyes said that Gail Godwin would put the tea on and use the kettle's whistle as a deadline. Similar to the kettle's whistle, the Kettle Society would create a sort of deadline that would force us to make progress.

Well, I'll be late for chapel if I don't get out of here, and we don't want that, since Katie is gracing us with her lovely voice this morning. Over and out.

Explosion 3: Light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

Good grief, it is nearly impossible to find TX400 film anymore. I went to THREE Ritz Cameras and NONE of them had any. I understand that Ritz filed chapter 11, but that does not seem like a legitimate excuse for a CAMERA store to stop stocking FILM. Well I finally found a place that had the right speed and the right number of exposures and bought them out. Unfortunately that means I've only got enough rolls to last me another week, or two if I stretch it, and it cost me $3 more a roll than I used to pay for the same stuff at Ritz. Grr.

I'm back at school and not hating it quite yet. I've got three classes now (not counting PE). This doesn't mean I will have zero stress this quad, but it DOES mean I won't have to write any more papers this year! Woo! I've decided not to read any more of the astronomy text. It's a waste of time as he says the exact same thing in class. So really, it's down to my photography and production projects... and the disgusting amount of production reading I neglected to finish last quad and over break. But things are better, and I'm sure not complaining. Plus, Global Ed is giving me back my $30 from the Italy seminar I applied for since the trip isn't happening. Not enough applicants. Tragic, eh? But now I have $30!! Time to go blow it on a concert.... XD

So I just found this post I started a while back and figured I ought to finish it. That's right, more of my life story. Hooray!...? It's gonna be long. I really want to suck the marrow out of some of the best and worst moments of 2008.

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1/16/09
I am not comfortable with the recent development of a "hottie potty" in our communal bathroom. I understand that decorating the bathroom is fun and makes dorm life a more personal and memorable experience; that is not my objection. However I can no longer use the middle stall due to the pictures of men sticky tacked to the stall door and walls. I feel particularly uncomfortable with a Nikon ad featuring Ashton Kutcher pointing a D60 DIRECTLY AT ME WHILE I PEE.
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Last time on The Life of Mandii Explodes All Over The Internet, we had arrived at November, which was a stressful month for our heroine....

I was angsty about the Spontaneous Concert Enthusiast scandal and trying to create space between us without coming out and saying anything, because that's just how girls play the game of life. Silly, I know. I don't know why we do it. Meanwhile, I got to know this other friend of the male persuasion and was sort of hoping our friendship would give me the leverage I craved. Isn't that a rotten thing to hope for? Well, now I've made it sound like I was using him, but I wasn't. I don't think I would know how to use someone even if I wanted to; and if I did, surely the guilt would kill me before I could actually cause any damage. So me and this friend got along pretty well; we had some common interests and mutual friends and shared some good laughs over things like metal and Miyazaki films and skanking. We'll call him That Guy because it takes a lot less time to type than something like "Spontaneous Concert Enthusiast."

I don't handle drama well since I don't usually have a whole lot of it in my life, and really, like I said, the only way I know how to handle it is to avoid it. So I ran away a whole lot that month. I visited Trish at Northeastern a couple of times (randomly going into Boston is not a financially sustainable option for a college student. Take note). Especially when I started feeling cramped by That Guy, all I wanted to do was be somewhere, anywhere, else. I remember working out until I couldn't move one night, and going to TAI... stoked to shove people around because I was so damn PISSED. He wasn't being a jerk or anything. He just seemed to be demanding an inordinate amount of my time and attention - again, more than appropriate for mere friends - and I couldn't seem to distance myself in the ordinary ways, so I pulled my usual disappearing act, coward that I am, and hoped the problem would go away by itself. Generally when you don't pay attention to someone, that communicates that you're not interested in them, romantically or otherwise. Am I wrong about this? Sounds like common sense, right? Because sadly, it got to the point where I really DIDN'T want anything to do with him, period.

Sorry, no dice. Because hey, this is my life we're talking about; nothing could ever go down the NORMAL way. So in the end, That Guy wasn't a source of resolution between me and SCE, but rather developed into a problem of his own. As far as SCE goes, straight-up honesty took the prize. He had the courage I didn't and asked if there was any chance of us getting together, and I had to tell him there really wasn't. I said we can never know what the future holds, but for the time being I couldn't see it, and he shouldn't pass up other opportunities waiting for me. I hated saying it. I worried we wouldn't be able to stay friends. But I couldn't lie to him, and it sure lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders.

Still, Thanksgiving couldn't come fast enough for my liking. I needed respite from the drama. I needed respite from That Guy constantly asking me where I was and what I was doing and why I wasn't answering his text messages. Really, I just needed respite from men in general.

Isn't it funny the way we give up on things, only to have life drop something perfect right into our lap? You see, that weekend was the weekend I met Paul. Technically I'd met him before, but only for a few short hours at one of Gill's pool parties over a year ago and for about two seconds at Blockbuster even before that. Oh, and that one time I was with Gill and Jane and we went to see him at his mom's place and he was working on a music video in his boxers, and I was like AAHHH THE HORROR!!! So yeah, if you'd come up to me after any one of those encounters and been like, "So guess what. That guy there with the long hair, yeah, he's gonna be the best thing that ever happens to you," I would've said you were on crack. Likewise, Paul thought I was this crazy prudey girl based on the time at Gill's when we all walked to the beach and everybody else wanted to go skinny dipping and I was HORRIFIED.

Needless to say, I'm not exactly sure how things fell into place. All I know is, it was Saturday night. Gill, Cara and I were making the rounds, trying to see everyone we needed to see. For some reason, I was very insistent that Gill give him a call, and when he'd agreed to let us kidnap him, I drove us to his mom's place in Hull. He thought we were going to make him drive and mocked us for being the worst kidnappers ever ^_^. We all got back to my house and I was like, "Oh yeah, by the way, you're stuck here because I'm not allowed out after 12:30" (this was back when my curfew was still in effect). I don't really remember what we did all night. Took dumb pictures, maybe played some video games, watched a sucky movie on my laptop during which we ALL tried to fit on the pull-out bed in the family room and just ended up spooning. You'd think I would've been wary after the SCE scandal. Yet even as the wee hours of the morning wore on and I started to notice this unprecedented, inexplicable chemistry going on between me and Paul, I wasn't bothered. In fact, I was downright happy about it.

It was getting late (read: early... say about 3 or 4), and Paul and I were both dozing off. Gill and Cara have more practice pulling all-nighters and weren't tired, so they went downstairs to let us sleep; but of course, there was no chance of me actually falling asleep because Paul and I were snuggling, and by then I had this feeling that something really good was happening and I didn't want to miss a second of it. My head was on his chest and I remember listening to his heartbeat, trying to tell if he felt it, too. I turned my face just enough to see whether his eyes were open or if he was asleep, and suddenly we were kissing. I was and wasn't surprised when it happened. I have to say there wasn't a whole lot going through my head, at least nothing particularly coherent, except that, unlike the mess with SCE, this actually felt right. That, unabashedly, I'd never had a kiss as good as that. That if I could have stopped the sun from rising and kept us in that moment for the rest of my life, I would've been the happiest person alive.

I think that's a good note to end on. Tune in next time to find out.... Will Mandii and Paul get together? (All right, we all know that one's a moot point... three months and counting! ^_^) Will our heroine and the SCE get along? Will That Guy get a clue? Find out next time on The Life of Mandii Explodes All Over the Internet!!!

P.S. I am still accepting bribes for the not-so-anxiously-awaited excerpt..... If anybody actually cares. Sorry, no double-bribes. Sares and Jen, you're out on this one. But thanks for the love.

P.P.S. The Dead Poets Society is a FANTASTIC movie! Everyone should see it! It's basically about these boys at a boarding school, which is really academically rigid and discourages free thinking even more than the average educational institution, who get a new English teacher named John Keating. Mr. Keating (or "Captain, my Captain" as the students call him) is most definitely a free thinker and an unconventional teacher with a passion for poetry. The students find out that when he was a student at their school, he founded the Dead Poets Society, a group of boys that wanted to "suck the marrow out of life" and whose motto was my favorite adage, "Carpe Diem!" So the boys decide to resurrect the society (heh... resurrect the dead poets society... =3.) It was a very inspiring movie with really beautiful cinematography. And no, Paul, it wasn't gay.