Noms

This Sunday, I'll be walking 20 miles through Cambridge, Boston and thereabouts to raise awareness of hunger. The idea is to get people to sponsor you to walk, and the money goes to feeding hungry people in the Boston area. My project bread homepage has a little more info about the event and also tells you how to donate. I know that, as college students, we're all poor here, but let's think of those who have even less than we do! You don't have to donate a lot, but please contribute however much you are able! Thank you!

Also, let it be known that I still miss Brian Pittman. I will always miss Brian Pittman. ='(

Get busy living or get busy dying

Again I have that awful feeling that life is flying past me. Well, not exactly past. I sure don't feel like I've missed out on much this weekend. But another day is gone; where did it go? The whole weekend - what happened to it?! Will time ever go back to normal speed? Please, stop the ride, I want to get off!

It occurred to me that this must be what it's like to have life flash before your eyes. That in turn made me wonder whether I was dying. Right now! This very instant! Dying and detachedly, powerlessly watching my life as if someone were cueing to the end and skipping all the parts I'd been waiting to see. What if that's really what death is like? If it's not so much a lightning quick montage as a fast-forwarded flashback of your entire life? Maybe we're all just flashbacks in each other's death scenes. Creepy, eh?

But then it also occurred to me that the question isn't whether I'm dying, because that has an easy answer: Yes. We all are, every second of every day. But every second of every day, I am also living. And so it goes: we are living and dying at once. The real question is whether we allow the dying to outweigh the living and give in to this whirligig, this kaleidoscope, this accelerating gyroscope - or whether we wring the moments from each day and taste the whirling colors every second we're awake.

Airborne Ultimatum

Not that I am under the delusion that anyone's paying attention during this hectic and stressful finals season, but I shall post nonetheless! I just finished playing ultimate frisbee on the quad and it was AWESOME! We lost however many rounds we played, which I expected the moment I wound up on the team opposing John Edwards, and it was so hot that "ultimate" quickly degenerated to "mediocre," and then even more quickly to "inadequate." Doesn't matter though. I forgot how much fun that game can be, especially when the guys don't treat you like a girl. That's just lamesauce. I might not be as fast or be able to throw as far, but I can hold my own and it's nice when the guys recognize that. Whew. I'm beat! Time for foods, shower, and work. In that order. I'm looking forward to the thunderstorm I'm convinced is a-brewin' out there. Tut tut.

Old-skool lovin!

Smash it up!

Moments after my last post, I noticed a status on my Facebook homepage that said there was going to be a show outside of Lane at 10. Then I heard the guitars all the way from Ferrin and realized they meant a SHOW! I booked it over there. I had just been thinking, shit, I haven't been to a show in almost 2 months! No wonder it feels like Armageddon is coming! Yeah, these guys weren't Relient K or anything, but it was fantastic just because they were a band with amps rocking out on the lawn by the dining hall, and that simply does not happen around here. There were 2-3 dozen people in attendance and it was a decent crowd, with some dancing, moshing, headbanging, etc. Especially on the part of Tie Dye Brian. Then, during the last song, some friends of mine showed up and went nuts, which finally gave me an excuse to look like a loony, too! It was sad that it had to be the last song though. They would've kept going except some guys came over and said people were complaining about the noise because they wanted to sleep. Sigh, only on a campus where 98% of the population has to get up early for church on Sundays would a Saturday night rock show be curtailed in such a tragic manner. Here's hoping this happens again, only minus the premature ending! I will certainly encourage it when I interview the front man tomorrow for this year's final issue of the Tartan.

^ They covered this. It sounded cooler louder XD

Jack-in-a-box

I feel really strange right now. I want to regress. I want it to be the 1990s. I want ska to be in. I want not to care what I'm wearing and believe in fairies again. I want all the good bands to get back together - Five Iron Frenzy, Juliana Theory, Kids in the Way - and I want all the good bands that are still together to play the old songs for me. I want the radio to play "Good Riddance" and "Closing Time." I hated high school, but some strange part of me wants to go back to it, or rather, not the circumstance but who I was then and what the world was like. Does this sound cracked out yet? I've only been out of high school two years. The world has not changed that much. And have I already forgotten the ridiculous drama and - shudder- the horror of ALGEBRA? Yet I want to regress so badly that my heart is going to break if I can't. I think I can partly blame the fact that suddenly every day is like grasping water, and no matter how many hours I'm awake and how much awesome I cram into those hours, it disappears just the same. I am constantly going to bed, it seems, and constantly waking up for a new day, and each action follows the other more quickly than I ever imagined it could.

Yet I simultaneously long to spring forward, to branch out. I feel... like a Jack in a box. I've got this little cube I call home, and all the time people are cranking and cranking, and I'm cranking myself, and I just want to leap forward into something new and exciting! I need MOTION! CHANGE! LIFE! But I feel stationary. Static. Stuck. Sometimes I'm so inspired and driven, but at this moment in time, I want to do nothing (not even write my book), think nothing.... maybe even be nothing. I want to get on the highway and drive somewhere, anywhere but here.

I'm not depressed. I've been fabulously happy these past couple weeks, spending time outdoors, seeing human beings again (which honestly didn't happen for the first 60-70% of the semester), laughing, making new friends, having adventures, exploring, blasting happy (old-skool) music while speeding down the highway. Today was positively gorgeous. I played frisbee, found a new trail or three in the woods, went to the beach, got ice cream....

But something is wrong.

I have this eerie sense that something is coiled and waiting to spring. Maybe even the apocalypse. And I'm absolutely terrified.

It's hard for me imagining the flaws in this design.

I know debris, it covers everything...
And still I am in love with this life <3

Words of wisdom: The more hours you're awake, the more awesome you can fit into your day.

I've been up since 7AM, and though my eyes are at the burning stage of exhaustion, I'm pretty wired. Today was easily the best day I've had all semester. Actually I've had a good string of days this week, so good that I'm starting to wonder if I've moved to a higher plane of existence where every good thing is intensified. My sense of every good song, of every good meal, of every single little white flower blooming on the dogwood is heightened, and every bad thing is so simple to just let go....

7:00 AM: Woke up to eat and shower before attending my first Symposium event at 8. Symposium day is a big deal at Gordon. Classes are cancelled for the day and students have the opportunity to go to a dozen or more events that conform to a theme (this year's was Creation Care) and receive up to 6 chapel credits for their attendance at various events. Many choose to use the day for studies or fun, as I did last year, but I needed to get some chapel credits out of the way, hence the 7AM wake-up call.

8:00: The three "8AM-8PM" exhibits are not yet in existence. Bugger, I could've slept another hour at least!

8:20: Chapel credit #1 for "Materialism and Creation Care: Change or be Changed" art exhibit. Easiest chapel credit ever.

10:00: Chapel credit #2 for Alternative Medicine discussion panel. No one warned me they were going to talk about acupuncture. I was good with the herbal stuff and the dietary stuff and even some of the chi stuff; in fact, I may even look further into some of that. But not the needles.

11:30: Chapel credit #3 for "One Carbon Footprint" acre-wide display that was conveniently set up en route back to my dorm AND gave out free temporary tattoos when you signed the chapel credit sheet!

12:00: T-shirt tie dyeing with the floor. Jeez that stuff is hard to get out of your skin. I think my high school science teacher said it doesn't "eventually wash out;" if it fades, it means you've absorbed it into your blood stream. Well guys, if I get cut within the next few days, I'll probably bleed purple and green; consider yourselves warned.

1:00: Chapel credit #4 for "The Politics of Creation Care" forum - a friendly debate over whether global warming exists and the actual severity of the problem, which both sides can agree is a lot less than Gore made it out to be in "An Inconvenient Truth." The oceans are not going to swell 20 feet in the next century. Maybe 2. Our efforts are probably better directed toward other causes, but this is not to say we should be careless about our emissions, etc.

3:00: Chapel credit #5 for "Discovering Answers to the Ecological Crisis Around the World." If the event name sounds familiar... remember the sunflower/windmill poster I made a little while ago? This was what it was for. It was basically students recapping agriculture-based missions trips they'd taken in the past year, which made me want to live on a farm more than ever before because now I've seen that it's absolutely feasible to sustain oneself off the land.

3:20: Chapel credit #6 for "Single Stream" recycling video, looping in Lane all day. The thing was all of 1:30 in length. I take back what I said about the art exhibit being the easiest chapel credit ever; this one takes the cupcake.

3:30: Finally free, I went for a walk in the woods along a trail I found yesterday when it was pouring rain. It was prettier then; you've never seen greener greens than the woods when it's raining. I was listening to my rainy day soundtrack when "Where the Falls Begin" by Mae came on.

There's a line in that song that says, "you walk this spinning wheel, forgetting how to feel and how long since it took your breath away." I was thinking about that and I realized that the beauty of this world is enough to take my breath away each and every day, if only I pause for a second to notice it. A moss-covered stump could be an emerald throne. A red-winged blackbird could be the king. Sun glancing off wet blades of grass could be his diamond veil. Not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of these.

I must've been out for an hour and a half and walked 5 miles during that storm. But it was still a lovely walk in the sunshine, and a bit more strenuous than my usual route, which made me feel healthier. When I was almost home, I noticed a huge black bird sitting on a dead branch across Coy Pond, stretching his wings. And I mean HUGE. The way he spread his wings made me think of Death, spreading his arms to welcome all into his bosom. Morbid, I know, but I thought it anyhow. And then, wouldn't you know, along comes the massive white bird - call him Love or Purity or Jesus or whatever - and makes a splash landing at the other end of the pond. Gorgeous! and the poet in me was thrilled that Death was not simply waiting for me to cross the waters and embrace him, at least not without Life getting in the way.

5:00: Video editing demonstration from a prospective professor. He was pretty good I guess. He was Texan and called us "y'all," which reminded me of Rob's dad. Sometimes I miss that family. I should visit once school lets out.

6:25: I realized Lane would be closing soon and hurried over to get dinner. It was pouring when I got outside and I was mad that I'd left my rain coat in the computer lab, but my timing turned out to be PERFECT: the second I arrived on the dark side of Lane with my food, a rainbow appeared over Coy Pond! The huge windows offered an amazing view. The rainbow had its foot in Coy Pond. You always thought the end of the rainbow didn't exist, huh? Well I've seen it! Hah! Sorry, there were no little green men or pots of gold. It's a shame really. I could use a little gold right about now. But it's still got to be lucky or something - even if your good fortune is only being fortunate enough to see it!

7:00: Worked on rough cutting my video production project and it's essentially done. Everything is synced up. The titles look great and are actually on the screen long enough to be read, unlike the rougher rough cut from yesterday. Once again Anders was a great help, and great company besides. He hadn't slept much. Tee hee. Sleep deprived people are so entertaining. He was beat boxing....

8:45: Talked to Le Paul. We might not get to see each other this weekend because he's supposed to have the music video he's working on done this week. I'll miss him, but he's worked really hard on this thing and the little bit I've seen has been phenomenal, so I know it'll pay off. Yay Paul!

9:00: Hung posters for the writing center event coming up on Monday, at which I'll be reading a lil excerpt of Before the Empty Moon, so you should come! This poster is another masterpiece of mine. I would've preferred another full page picture like the one for today's event in spite of greater cost or ink consumption or whatever the heck the complaint would've been. Full page color is so eye-catching. But this was what they said they wanted, so I delivered.


11:00: Met Anders and crew at Lane to shoot another video, but this time, he was behind the camera and I was in front of it. Granted, I was only an extra, but so was everyone, really, and because I was the first one there I got the important job of shooting a guy on his way down the stairs. No no, I don't mean filming him walking down the stairs. I mean I whipped out a handgun and took him out while he was walking down the stairs. No no NO, I don't mean a GUN gun, I mean a HAND gun. Observe. Loads of people showed up. We got to shout "BANG BANG!" a lot, cower behind upturned tables, take some people out, get taken out by some people, hide in trash cans.... and slink out of an elevator to shoot the guy on the stairs.

1:20AM: And that's a wrap!

We are heffalumps!

Some days I just lie on my bed and laugh and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Today is one of those days. I feel like I've been awake since... oh, wait, I HAVE been awake since 7:30. That explains it. I got up early to take my car to Firestone to see if they could figure out why it starts screaming and flashing lights at me every time I drive it. Jen was kind enough to come along and drive me back, though of course, not without a pit stop at good ol' sketchball, greasy-walled Denny's for breakfast. Well, in the end it turned out that Firestone wasn't sure what was going on with my car, so they made up some bull and sent us to Mobil, where the mechanic proceeded to make fun of the Firestone guys for screwing around and completely misdiagnosing the problem. Long story short.... I'm just hoping I'll have a Derry to drive home tomorrow night.

I procrastinated a lot today, but since I was awake for so long, I still somehow got a lot done. I finished the promo poster I promised to make for the environmental club's symposium event, and I must say I am very pleased with it. It's really colorful, thus, eye-catching; and when you're trying to attract kids to symposium events, you need to be eye-catching.


You know you totally want to go to that event now. ^_~

I also revised my Fair Trade PSA script and made up a storyboard for that, which was time-consuming and, frankly, not as helpful as it's cracked up to be, as I can already see the shots in my head when I write up the script. Well, I guess it was a learning experience. I learned that next time I'll just do the production plan.

I'm off to the Prancing Pony now to see whether Evan remembered writers' group tonight. I've got a chapter I've been dying to post, but not before screening it. So y'all better hope he's there.

edit: He wasn't there. I know, I know. Break out the Kleenex.

Quote of the night:
Me: Paul, I want a fucking dragon.
Paul: Yes, dear.

Ramblin'

I feel like a completely different person from three weeks ago. Remember what a mess I was then? I was miserable, pessimistic, and unable to find joy or beauty in anything. I wanted to give up on most everything, or at least go to sleep til it was over.

Now I'm simply content. With what? I don't really know. All I know is it feels like the sun is out even though it's raining. It feels like things will be okay. Three weeks ago, I looked at my options for fall 2009 and despaired. Now I'm looking at roughly the same schedule and I can't wait to get there! I wasn't going to do more than 14 credits, but I can't get around the fact that there are just so many classes I want to take! If I get my way, I'll have Glenney, Stevick, Kadlecek, Cobbey, and Nicholas-Frazier. Fall '09 is going to kick serious butt.

But more than that, for the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm attracted to Jesus. I went to church yesterday and couldn't stop thinking what a beautiful thing he did for us, dying on the cross like that so we wouldn't have to. The other day, Paul asked if I was sure I couldn't sneak him in the back door of heaven. Yet isn't that exactly how all of us are getting in? There's no other way to get there but Jesus sneaking you in and saying, hey, it's okay; she's with me.

Now think about this for a second, because this is what really got me yesterday. What kind of king does what ours has done? The amount of pain and penitence he bore, and none of it rightly his! He didn't have to go through all that. We sure didn't do anything to deserve it. It's love. Beautiful, unconditional, sacrificial love, and we owe him nothing less than total abandon. 100% love. 100% obedience. Are we capable? No. But we can try.

I haven't prayed much this year. It's hard to pinpoint when it all started. It's just that, in a place like this, they force-feed you Jesus and it's hard to want something that's being shoved down your throat. Now, for the first time in I don't know how long, I don't feel like it's a lie for me to talk to God. I've been all over the board in the past 365 days. Praying or not, though, I've always known what was right. I have a strong inner sense about these things. Call it intuition, call it conscience, call it the Holy Spirit or some blend of the three. A few weeks ago I came crawling back and asked God to open a side door for me. And he did. I knew he would. When you align your desires with his, anything you ask for is yours. Well isn't it just like me to look at that door now and wish he'd left it locked. I've never cut myself or anything like that, yet sometimes I amaze myself with the amount of pain I'm willing to put myself through.

But I've always known what was right.