Reflections
In light of 2009... and because these random surveys that I snag from Reah are so much fun.... some Mandii-related factoids:
I’m a writer. I work best early in the day, away from my bedroom and, more importantly, away from my computer.
I wish I could skateboard, snowboard, or surf. Alas, I do not have the balance for any of these.
I don’t care if it’s thirty degrees out and blizzarding; I want ice cream!
I name most of my material possessions. My guitars are Black Fire (electric), Mabel (acoustic), and Ruby (bass); my car is Derry; my laptop is Jesus; my phone is L. G. Fuad; and I have just decided that my amp is Lt. Surge.
With the exception of sex, I will try almost anything once.
With the exception of cows, I will eat almost anything you could imagine in almost any combination you could imagine. This includes the likes of pepperoni with honey and tuna fish with jelly: staples of a scrumptious La Vida diet. Also M&Ms with chips and salsa if I’m feeling especially nutritious.
I really love the moon the first night after it’s new, when it’s a tiny silver sliver and you can see the dim outline of the rest of it.
I hate mainstream everything, probably more than is justified.
When people in movies have on-screen sex, it makes me really uncomfortable.
I wish I had more time to read.
I still use my Walkman sometimes. *Oldskool!!*
Skullcandy headphones are sexy.
Bassists are sexy.
Your face is sexy… maybe. ^_~
Concerts are probably my favorite thing in the world. I’ll do anything to get to a concert. And I’ve got to be up front. Fighting your way there is half the adventure of going to a show XD
As soon as I can, I’m moving to the west coast. Wish I was rich enough to live on Coronado….
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To honor the passing of 2008, I've been reflecting on all the things I've discovered over the year:
Carpe diem.
The older I get, the littler I realize I am.
Lying DOES beat shaving your legs, but it’s not the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.
Mountain Dew does not glow in the dark.
You are what you become. You become what you are.
Life’s what you make of it, and what you’ll get is what you’ll take from it.
"No words, just emotions" leaves you on the side of the road with a flat and no jack.
Evidence shows that the way to a guy’s heart is not through his stomach. I'll venture a guess that it's a little lower than that.
Sometimes God gives us exactly what we're asking for and it's like.... PWNED.
Tea is actually quite scrumptious. Who knew?
Never underestimate the density of the male species. You will always be proven wrong.
Anyone can believe their eyes. It takes something different to believe your heart.
I would rather be happy than right.
The mystery of "jet-puffed marshmallows" is best left unsolved.
Geese live forever. At any rate I ain't ever seen a dead goose.
If you plant the little green army men high enough, nobody will bother taking them down (atop the clock in Lane... on the windowpanes of the chapel lobby....)
You're never too old to be a scene kid at heart. However, you are probably too old to go to a Cobra show.
Be smart first and nice second or people will take advantage of you.
Long hair and mosh pits don't mix.
If it's pouring rain, don't try to use your phone outside, dumbface. Everybody knows that.
Sledding in a Nor'easter is TOTALLY epic. Driving in one kind of sucks.
If you put your fro yo in those little cups that are supposed to be for ketchup, sometimes the Lane workers won't make you pay for it.
Spooning with boys is not scandalous... but if you give Gill a camera, she can make it look that way.
College and vegetarianism don't mix. If the food is free, you eat it and don't ask questions.
If you feel it, someone else has already written a song about it.
Baking soda is a very effective way to whiten teeth and costs a heck of a lot less than Crest whitening strips or fancy-pants toothpaste.
I cannot cope with a world devoid of love, and I do not wish to cope with a world devoid of God.
No matter how long you stand in the shower, you can't wash regret away. No matter how far you walk, jog or drive, you can't leave your problems behind. And no matter how good the ice cream tastes, all you're going to gain from bingeing out of self-pity is weight.
There are no mistakes, only accidents entwined with fate.
Who I am hates who I've been
I am recycling my childhood, along with receipts and bank statements from two years back and the occasional birthday card that someone signed and sent me out of obligation. Sifting through all the typed and scribbled words that defined my high school self is like reading somebody else's biography. I don't know who I was, though at the time I was sure I had myself and everything else figured out.
I thought I was open-minded, accepting, and loving, but I was quick to judge everyone, at the same time condemning them for judging me (which I still believe they did, but that never gave me the right to write them off like I did). Honest to God, I don't know how I held down any friends. I thought I was comfortable in my own skin, but I was narcissistic and confident to the point of arrogance. I assumed most of my peers deserved my contempt, thinking I was better than them - because I cared about academics, because I didn't drink or party or have sex with random guys, because I had written a book, because I was a Christian.
That last one kills me the most. Christians are supposed to be humble and think others better than themselves, but the way I wrote about myself and the people I encountered from day to day clearly shows that I thought I was worth a whole lot more than any of them. Instead of showing them Christ-like love, I just avoided them altogether. My attitude was more or less a middle finger to all but my closest friends; everyone could go to hell for all I cared. Jesus would have befriended them. I know he would have. He loves them so much more than I ever did or could.
So this is just to say, for anyone who cares to listen, that I'm sorry for the person I became. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again because who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I'm a pirate, doncha know?
Last night instead of sleigh bells, all I heard on my roof was RAIN, washing my beautiful white Christmas down the drain. ='(
I know y'all want to hear about the booty. I had a pretty good haul this morning. My dad bought me an iPod even though I told him not to; and I mean, it'll be great to not have to deal with the defective select button on the ol' video iPod anymore, but as long as the thing played music I wasn't going to replace it. I got loads of socks and I'm thrilled because I've gotten holes in all my favorite pairs this month. I got all kinds of shampoo and other useful things that every college girl needs, like a toothbrush and chewing gum. I got a few books, too. I should read more often. I miss it.
I think I need to issue a list of approved stores to my grandparents, though. They always buy me gift cards, and it's good that they want me to pick out my own gift so I'll be sure to like it, but there's only so much you can pick out at a store you don't really want to shop at. I could use a gift card for Hot Topic, Pac Sun, Journeys, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Forever 21, the Apple store (which my uncle was shrewd enough to get), or the whole gosh darn mall if you really wanna play it safe, but they ALWAYS get them for Macy's or Kohl's and... I just don't really buy stuff at those places anymore. Last time I used it on a toaster oven, which I'm not actually even allowed to have at school....
Kudos to whichever grandparent picked out the Panera card, though. When in doubt, food is always a good gift. Just look at all the banana bread I baked this year.
My dad's new robot toy is talking really loudly downstairs. Harold is a riot about it; he keeps going over to sniff it, then the thing says something and the poor dog runs away in terror. I won't lie. I've walked by it a couple times, thinking it was off, only to have it make some remark. I screamed and practically fell over on my way upstairs to make this post.
I know I promised an excerpt from my story. Until I have time to get that up, enjoy these lovely pictures:
This is what remains.
"I Celebrate the Day"
Relient K
With this Christmas wish is missed
the point I could convey
if only I could find the words to say to let you know
how much you've touched my life, because
here is where you're finding me -
in the exact same place as New Year's Eve -
and from a lack of my persistency,
we're less than half as close as I want to be.
And the first time that you opened your eyes,
did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips
did you know that it would change this world forever?
So this Christmas I'll compare
the things I've felt in prior years
to what this midnight made so clear:
that you have come to meet me here.
To look back and think that
this baby would one day save me
In the hope that what you did,
that you were born so I might really live
To look back and think that
this baby would one day save me...
And the first time that you opened your eyes,
did you realize that you would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left your lips,
did you know that it would change this world forever?
And I
I celebrate the day
that you were born to die
so I could one day pray for you to save my life.
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Every Christmas, I come back to this song as a work of profoundly childlike thought, heartfelt truth, and artistic beauty. We tend to forget that when the last dollar is spent, the last ribbon curled, the last present unwrapped and the last cookie crumbled, THIS is what's left. A baby. A Savior. A celebration, a promise, and a hope. A song sung in every tongue that can never be silenced, although at times it fades. I won't pretend it hasn't faded for me this year, but amidst the raging currents of life, there will never come a time when I don't believe this is true: that God sent his only son to take on flesh - I mean, FLESH; think about the implications of a deity wrapping himself in FLESH - so I could one day pray for him to save my life.
Merry Christmas.
Technicolor girls
Twas the eve of Christmas eve, and all through the house..... echoed the strains of Mandii's emo music... because no matter how hard I try to grow out of being scene and emo, I keep finding more emo bands that don't suck. Hard to believe, I know.
I also can't help drooling over all the scenester jewelry illuminating Claire's with its neon glory. I should not be allowed in that store. I should also not admit that I shop there, as it exists for the whims of obnoxious tweeney girls who are at least four years younger than me. BUT YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR NEON. Remember that.
I finished shopping today! I freaked out and called everyone asking what the flip I should get my boyfriend for Christmas, and they were like, "Well, just get him - ah - hmmm, you have a point; he IS hard to shop for...." And of course in the end I came up with an entirely different idea from what everyone suggested. Isn't that just like me?
As you may have guessed from the fact that I went shopping, I got my car out of the driveway and it's running fine. Aaand running into a lot of snowbanks because apparently I can't navigate around them.... I just know they must've had someone like me captaining the Titanic....
Anyhow, I bought some stuff and baked some stuff and bought some more stuff. My sister wants Uggs; she's been through at least as many pairs of those things as I've been through Chucks, and that's quite a lot. She knew no one in the family had the money for Uggs, though, and asked for an imitation instead, which was really good of her. But she wanted them to basically BE Uggs without actually bearing the logo. Walking around the mall yesterday, she found a reason to dislike EVERY pair of boots we presented to her. Well, tonight I found a really lovely cranberry red pair at Kohl's, and even though I generally think Uggs are hideously, irredeemably ugly... if she doesn't like this pair, I'm totally taking them for myself. XD
Well, I'm out for the night. I've been getting up early - like, before the hour hand reaches double digits.... In fact, I've been up before nine every day this week, and for me that is a feat indeed. Why do I put myself through this on vacation? you may ask. After all, I didn't get up this early when school was in session; why do you think I didn't make my chapel quota? Well. I've been working on my novel, which is way more exciting and epic than chapel (with the exception of that one chapel with the guy from Walden Media, and the one with that other guy who's getting me an agent.... and the one where that other other guy who was mostly blind referenced Harry Potter.)
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As they all grow older the truth will be understood,
cause we never turn out the way we thought we would.
RAWR!
My mom teaches piano lessons, and I hate being home when she does. Not because I don't like hearing the music, though hearing kids struggle through the same four-note songs for 19 years of my life does get a little monotonous - but hey, what are headphones for, right? No, the worst is that it suddenly becomes my responsibility to answer the phone, which starts ringing off the hook the moment my mother sits down to teach a lesson, so I accomplish nothing because I'm too busy playing fetch with the handset. And when I answer, people just assume I'm her and start talking a million miles a second, so I have to interrupt and explain that I am not, in fact, my mother and that she is teaching (if you're calling about piano lessons, you should KNOW that she's teaching during the afternoon), and then they start throwing questions at me like I should know the answers. When I don't, they start pitching names and call-back numbers and I'm like, oh shit I don't have a pen, so now I'm trying to memorize things that have no relevance to me, and meanwhile the computer's going into screen saver mode and my train of thought is totally derailed.....
So yeah, long story short, I decided I should go somewhere else to work on my novel. But there's no Prancing Pony or Claymore or Atomic Cafe around here. And then I remembered I was supposed to play chauffeur for my sister and get her from basketball practice at 5, so I decided to go early and just do my work at the high school.
But I got to my car and the door was iced shut, the windshield wipers were frozen down, the heat knob was sticking (this was ten minutes later, after I pried the door open and thawed my frostbitten fingers), and when I put it in drive, there was this awful grinding sound from under the car and the wheels started spinning. So apparently I am TRAPPED here, possibly for as long as it takes for the ice to thaw and maybe even longer if there is actual permanent damage to my car from living under the snow for four days.
*Angry people music time*
First day of winter... Third day of non-stop snow
"Right now things are perfect; I don't deserve this." I'm in the middle of reminding myself how amazing Kiros is. I can't decide which song to post. I want to share "Speak Softly" because it feels sort of thematic right now and its sound fits the snowy mood. But "Beautiful" is probably the most amazing song on "A Single Strand." Okay, that's it; you're getting both. And you'd better LISTEN to both. XD
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Ebby does the white window test. Yep, it's sticking, all right. A lot.
My little Derry, dwarfed by the pile of snow from shoveling the driveway like 12 times.
Sweetbitter
An overwhelming number of my favorite people bundled into a single track:
"Bittersweet" sort of embodies how I'm feeling about a few things right now. Snow. My family. Life... and its lack of talking animals and epic clashes of good vs. evil. The usual.
It snowed so bad today that it took us at least half an hour to make it home from Marshall's (it should've been half that), and when we got to the road that my street branches off of, there were some guys pushing cars up the little slope because none of them could make it up. So far at least eight inches of cold, white fairy dust have collected on the tree branches and wrought iron furniture outside.
I am starting to see some of the reasons adults dislike snow. Aside from the perilous roads, there's the issue of shoveling. I don't think I'd mind so much except we have a long, gravel driveway and, oh yeah, I have spaghetti for arm muscles. There's nothing like manual labor to make you resent one of nature's most beautiful mood swings.
For now, though, I'm hunkering down in my chilly little cave of a bedroom after watching two of my favorite movies with two of my favorite people. Horton Hears a Who, if you haven't seen it, is SO not "just for kids." It's got drugs - I mean, fuzzy dandelions - and emo kids in it. Really, with those factors, you can't go wrong.
After that we watched Prince Caspian. I adore fantasy movies like that, but I felt really bad for my sister because she couldn't understand why a little girl coming back to a magical world where trees and animals used to be her friends would try to talk to a bear. I said she just needed to read more fantasy books and use her imagination a little, which for some reason made her kind of mad at me.
Then, when the movie ended, I got all melancholy as I always do at the end of fantasy movies and said to my mom, "I always hate when the adventure has to end and everything has to go back to normal." She looked at me the way she used to when she wanted to talk me out of believing in fairies in sixth grade and said, "Fantasy isn't real, darling."
Well, yeah, but are you saying you don't get sucked into the story? Are you saying you don't suspend your disbelief and start to believe lions really talk? How can you not want that to be real? Le sigh. Apparently I am the only one in this household with a taste for high fantasy. Tragic.
But I am trying to highlight the sweet. Snow is magical. I can't wait to go walking in the fresh, clean, black and white world tomorrow. I should buy film and take pictures. We have storytellers to make up for the things that are impossible in real life, and hey, real life isn't so bad, anyway. In fact, right now it's kind of...
Sweet.
Sleaping with my eyes wide
Song of the day:
The All American Rejects released their new album, "When the World Comes Down," TODAY, and I'm so obsessed with the single that I'm having a really hard time not buying the whole dang album RIGHT NOW. But Christmas is coming. Take note! This is on my list.
I have to write a press release for tomorrow morning. I always promise myself I won't wait until it's down to the wire. But I've just been blundering, zombie-like, through this past week of not-nearly-as-stressful-as-everyone-else's-finals. And speaking of zombies.... I pre-ordered Isaac Marion's new book, Warm Bodies, today, and you should too!
Anyway, so here I am, the night before the final press release is due, and how much of it have I written? Not a word. Not even a "Media Contact" at the top of the page. Nada. But I have like ten pages of notes from other students and professors about the crucial nature of core philosophy classes, and I think I just found the focus of my piece: they're getting rid of the old core philosophy options, antiquity and modernity, and replacing them with a single, 4-credit core philosophy class. Score!
I wish I could go home tomorrow morning after my pancake final. I need to be elsewhere. I think that's why I'm sleeping so much (and I just tried to spell that "sleaping...." Yeah, it's time for a break.)
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P.S. I just got this word verification thing:
Preggy yog, anyone? I hope this isn't prophetic.... o_O
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11:15: Finally buckled down and finished the press release after watching the fire fighters do their stuff outside. Apparently some kids think it's festive to burn furniture on the quad. No comment. I think it's festive to be done with work, which I nearly am. All I have left to do is a self-critique/reflection for my poetry class. I dunno if I've got another 2-4 pages in me, though. Bring on the bull....
It's snowing! Yaysnowdance! *(>^_^)> <(^_^)> <(^_^<)*
~ A snowflake on your cheek would make this Christmas so beautiful. ~
Boredom begone! Pt. III
My darling Jennifer!
1. You can do a mean caramel dance.
2. Zephyr, or any of those songs I gave you on that mix - Mr. Wonderful, Bumblebee. Haha.
3. Turnips.
4. HIYAA MOUSTACHE!!
5. ^ Same as above. XD
6. A dancing hamster? I don't know. You don't really make me think of an animal, lol.
7. How are you so good at not caring what people think of you? That is so rad.
8. I know you've always got my back - and thank God for that!!
9. Your turn!
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I lost one of my favorite earrings. It's a little silver wing if anyone comes across it. Isn't it tragic how we only ever lose our favorite earrings? =(
I baked Christmas presents today! I wish I had a Santa hat to wear while I deliver them. Tie Dye Brian said he'd get me one but I think he was kidding. I hope.
In other news, Paul and I officially decided we're together. Happyhappyhappy! Now I REALLY can't wait to go home. But this does leave me with the perplexing question of what does one give a boyfriend for Christmas...?
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT.
ALL I COULD DO WAS CLOSE MY EYES
AND CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE
CAUSE YOU DON'T FUCKING LISTEN
WHEN I'M AROUND
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Sorry for the profanity. At least it wasn't a homicide.
Kthxbye.
|
I has a Viking.
Well, today my promotional campaign team presented our marketing strategies to the rest of my media writing class. We got a great response and the class had some excellent suggestions for our client, Advocates for a Sustainable Future. That's the end, really. That promo campaign was our final. All that's left is writing one last press release and turning it in next Wednesday morning... at the professor's house... while she feeds us pancakes. ^_^
I'm in the writing center til four. I'm still less than comfortable with tutoring scenarios, but fortunately I've mostly worked with pretty competent writers who are open to suggestions and dialogue on their papers. I can't wait to take a nap, though. My womb hurts. Damn my ovaries.
Speaking of me being menstrual and psychotic... dag, yo. You should have seen me last night. I was so pissed off at stuff that normally only pisses me off a little. As much as I didn't want to venture out into the frigid New England cold (it was only 20 degrees out yesterday), I couldn't sit still at my desk a second longer, so I donned my gym gear and took off for the Bennett Center to work out. Yes, me, working out. I was that pissed.
I listened to screamo while running around the track. I ran until I couldn't run anymore (which didn't take too long since I'm horribly out of shape); then I walked until my muscles got bored of doing the same thing over and over; then I stretched and did crunches until I couldn't do another sit up. After an hour and a half, I decided that, since I was more or less paralyzed by then, I should probably stop and go finish up the campaign.
I mentioned to Paul that stuff was really getting to me, and he said, "It's Viking time!" Which I'm fairly certain is a threat.
Thanks for that. <3
Snowy with a high of 32
"It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive."
Reasons I am happy to be alive:
- I had a fantastic time on my date last night. For the record, though, Twilight is a pretty awful movie. Awful acting, plus some of the camera work really aggravated me/made me dizzy. And as Paul pointed out, the special effects left a lot to be desired. Anyway, let's get back to reasons I'm happy.
- Driving around, all the houses have Christmas lights twinkling on the trees. And I'm sure that I've not seen the Christmas lights this bright before.
- I woke up this morning and the skylight was blanketed with snow! I call it the white window test. It's how I know the snow is sticking. It's always nice to look out the window and see those very first few flakes of snow. Later on, we can go outside and create the impression of an angel that just fell from the sky.
- The bare trees don't look so naked now in their robes of white.
- Now that it's snowed and we have a beautiful evergreen sparkling in our living room, I feel that it is totally acceptable for me to blast my holiday playlist in the car.
- The only thing that makes me happier than Relient K's old-skool punk-rock Christmas album, "Deck the Halls, Bruise Your Hand," is their cover of "Sleigh Ride." When Megs and I saw them last year, they played that song and some random guys we'd befriended and started a mosh pit with insisted that we "slow mosh" to it. Soooo imagine a slow-motion mosh pit to this:
- I also feel that it is totally acceptable for me to laugh my head off listening to "Sleigh Ride" alone in my car while all the drivers around me wonder if I'm completely nuts. The answer is yes; yes I am.
And you know what?
I am okay with that. ^_^
Deck the halls
We put up the Christmas tree today. It was a little sad because my dad had to be at work and wasn't here to help us pick one out, or to put up his golfer ornament after everything else was finished, which is the tradition. Generally he gets the tree standing and leaves the decorating to the rest of us. But we girls got the tree inside and standing up just fine, thank you, and it looks lovely and cheerful and smells delightfully of Christmastime. And we have mistletoe.... ^_~
For the record, I really want to go WASSAILING this year. But I don't think people really do that nowadays. I also am fairly certain that wassail has rum or something in it so yeah. I just really like the word. XD
Prosetry!
As promised: Random prosetry!! (That's prose/poetry, which is a term I coined after writing this hybrid.) In other news, happy Saturday. Very happy indeed. Good night, moon.
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Nothing fits right anymore. My jeans are sagging. My feet are dragging. I’ve got my face to the floor, peering in between the boards, and I spy what you’re thinking.
Now my key won’t fit the lock. I can’t get my sneakers off. I’ve grown longer than my bed. My brain is bigger than my head. The vast white sky overwhelms my tiny space of sadness and I am still trying to tack the right words to the corkboard with a pushpin that’s bigger than I am.
Straining through my teeth, the truth got caught. Can you hold me close enough to read my thoughts? I’m a liar; thank your stars I never hold a job for long. A new day will dawn and maybe this won’t feel so wrong. I’ll tilt my head and throw one back, scrap the Kleenex for a laugh. I’ll recall a well-worn melody that doesn’t taste like coffee beans, a song that doesn’t steal my sleep.
I’m awaiting such a day when my eyes will open to the spangled way the freckles spark across the starry host. ‘Til then I am threadbare, hackneyed, right down to the kernel of me: so this is what it means to be a ghost.
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p.s. This needs a title. Ideas?
Stuck in a Moment
Happy Friday! I'm stoked it's finally here. I'm heading out for home as soon as I finish babysitting, so probably around four-ish, to see my beautiful, talented little sister in her high school play. Tomorrow we're putting up the Christmas tree. I love Christmastime! Yesterday I made cookies with some girls on my floor and ate way more than was probably healthy. Then my roomie and I decorated for the season.
I'm on a random U2 kick today. I don't know what sparked it. I've always thought U2 was great morning music, but it's clearly not morning anymore and I'm still listening, so.... *shrug*
Expect that prose thingy tomorrow. I think this post is long enough.
...and I like keeping y'alls in suspense. ^_^