Ramblin'

I feel like a completely different person from three weeks ago. Remember what a mess I was then? I was miserable, pessimistic, and unable to find joy or beauty in anything. I wanted to give up on most everything, or at least go to sleep til it was over.

Now I'm simply content. With what? I don't really know. All I know is it feels like the sun is out even though it's raining. It feels like things will be okay. Three weeks ago, I looked at my options for fall 2009 and despaired. Now I'm looking at roughly the same schedule and I can't wait to get there! I wasn't going to do more than 14 credits, but I can't get around the fact that there are just so many classes I want to take! If I get my way, I'll have Glenney, Stevick, Kadlecek, Cobbey, and Nicholas-Frazier. Fall '09 is going to kick serious butt.

But more than that, for the first time in a long time, I can say that I'm attracted to Jesus. I went to church yesterday and couldn't stop thinking what a beautiful thing he did for us, dying on the cross like that so we wouldn't have to. The other day, Paul asked if I was sure I couldn't sneak him in the back door of heaven. Yet isn't that exactly how all of us are getting in? There's no other way to get there but Jesus sneaking you in and saying, hey, it's okay; she's with me.

Now think about this for a second, because this is what really got me yesterday. What kind of king does what ours has done? The amount of pain and penitence he bore, and none of it rightly his! He didn't have to go through all that. We sure didn't do anything to deserve it. It's love. Beautiful, unconditional, sacrificial love, and we owe him nothing less than total abandon. 100% love. 100% obedience. Are we capable? No. But we can try.

I haven't prayed much this year. It's hard to pinpoint when it all started. It's just that, in a place like this, they force-feed you Jesus and it's hard to want something that's being shoved down your throat. Now, for the first time in I don't know how long, I don't feel like it's a lie for me to talk to God. I've been all over the board in the past 365 days. Praying or not, though, I've always known what was right. I have a strong inner sense about these things. Call it intuition, call it conscience, call it the Holy Spirit or some blend of the three. A few weeks ago I came crawling back and asked God to open a side door for me. And he did. I knew he would. When you align your desires with his, anything you ask for is yours. Well isn't it just like me to look at that door now and wish he'd left it locked. I've never cut myself or anything like that, yet sometimes I amaze myself with the amount of pain I'm willing to put myself through.

But I've always known what was right.